No desire to make out with my husband…
My husband’s method of foreplay is highly predictable. It starts with his foot rubbing against my leg. Then he reaches over and starts petting me. My shoulder, my arm, my thigh. It is never in one spot for more than 5 seconds, just lightly rubbing my skin all over the place. I know what’s going to happen. Sometimes, I roll in the opposite direction and stand up. Most of the time, I am just waking up, and I lay still. He strokes my skin for some time. He whispers, “Wanna make out?” Over the last few years, I have had no desire to ‘make out’ with my husband.
First, I count to myself. Sometimes to thirty and sometimes to fifty.
My to-do lists are created.
Additionally, I wonder how long it will be until I can pour my first cup of coffee.
I usually feel a pang of guilt for not enjoying the experience more. He rolls up my shirt so it is bunched up under my neck and shoulders; even though I shared in therapy, I prefer it to be off. Skin on skin is sexy. Nothing is feeling good—more guilt.
He whispers, “Are you getting close?”
Rewind a few years… We were in the middle of a pretty intense, late-night fight. Back before I realized fighting was useless, and before I learned, I had to stop trying to ‘win.’ I told him I faked all my orgasms, and although I was honest, I also said it because I knew it would hurt. I promised myself I wouldn’t pretend anymore, and I haven’t.
Back to the present- “Are you getting close?”
How can he possibly think I am enjoying myself?! I don’t make any noise. Even the minimal kissing feels awkward. I still have no desire for my husband. “No, just go ahead.”
Coffee is brewed, I’ve lost 30 precious minutes of my morning, and the day continues.
Back up a decade…
Our lovemaking was not always so vanilla. Much like all new relationships, we were pretty hot and heavy at the beginning of our relationship. Sex was new and exciting. We went out of our way to learn what we each liked.
Middle of the day? “Heck, yes!”
Kids are watching television? “We’ve got 15 minutes!”
We found every opportunity. Now, I try to find every excuse which makes me sad. I would love to go back to the earlier years when we’d find ourselves huddled in a closet because that was the closest door that would close.
When a relationship starts, everything is new. We both came into the relationship with baggage and past trauma. But we don’t put it all on the table on the first date. (That could be terrifying, but think about how much easier it would be.) There are things I learned late into our marriage that maybe I would not have been okay with ten years ago. The relationship hasn’t just been trying to grow as a couple. We needed to learn to grow as individuals. I have learned to process information and react differently as I’ve grown.
Now, I frequently look at my husband and study his jawline, neck, and where his ear meets his hairline. I find this part of his anatomy very sexy. His calf muscles flex as he walks through our living room, and I think, “I can get into this again. I would make love to him right now and enjoy it.”
…Then he starts talking. Womp Womp. Feeling gone.
Our needs are different a decade later, so we stumble. He explains that he needs intercourse to feel a deep connection. However, I need to feel the emotional connection to enjoy lovemaking.
And so, we keep chugging along, slow and steady. Our sex life is awful, but I’m hopeful.
