Building a new connection through insecurity.
When my husband and I began our new relationship in our late twenties, we carried emotional baggage and unresolved traumas. We thought we knew best and often competed with each other during disagreements. But we soon learned we needed to grow personally and support each other.
My first marriage took place at the very young age of twenty. I joked that it was my practice run, but it was a manipulative, controlled trap I was fortunate enough to escape. I had two baby boys in the short span we were married who were just one and two weeks old when I finally decided to leave.
During that lengthy and stressful period of custody battles and divorce proceedings, I found comfort in a close friend. He became a very close friend. I now know I did not give myself the time between relationships. He became my best friend, lover, and companion in all ways. For no other reason other than my insecurities, I let him go. I found myself feeling lost and overwhelmed by the whirlwind of my thoughts.
The decision to end that relationship still weighs heavily on me. At the time, I was confused and thought it was my best choice. We had become too committed, and I was still technically married. I wasn’t ready for another marriage. However, the loneliness was so overwhelming that I sought anyone to fill the void. Despite having an almost perfect partner, I remained unsatisfied. So, against my better judgment, I let my friend talk me into joining EHarmony.
Enter into my life, Phil. We emailed nearly three weeks before meeting in person. Our first date was on a Friday night. The second date was Sunday afternoon. My boys met him on our third date the following Thursday. Talk about jumping the gun! Hasty decisions had marked the past decade of my life, so starting a new relationship may not have been wise.
Self-love is love, too.
What I needed most in these years was self-love. I needed to step back and figure out why I communicated the way I did. I wish I had questioned myself sooner why it was so vital for me to be the “right one.” Most importantly, I wish I learned that giving people the silent treatment, as I saw my entire childhood, was not the proper way to express my frustration and anger.
It has taken me a lot of practice and meditation to relearn how to express my emotions. (As well as YEARS of therapy) I can’t help but wonder, if I had figured out some things sooner, how different would my life be?
I am still a complete work in progress, and I hope to be for some time. These days, I take the time to process information and question myself to pinpoint what is triggering my emotions. After all, my goal is to be a better version of myself than yesterday, with a little more love every day.
