A few weeks ago, my mind was racing in the middle of a restless night. I kept reviewing the endless lists of things they needed for back-to-school and sports. I reflected on my marriage and how it can feel like a rollercoaster, with periods of partnership and other times of complete loneliness. Lately, I’ve been feeling down about the few extra pounds I’ve gained. As the thoughts flooded my mind, I felt the urge to jot them down. However, I had a better idea. I wanted to share these questions with other women to see if they could relate. Was I the only one feeling this loneliness in a relationship and a house filled with people constantly needing something? And so, the idea for this blog was born.
My husband Phil and I had just returned from a childless vacation. We spent six stress-free days by ourselves and returned in much better spirits than when we left. Among our close friends, we made light of the fact that we enjoyed each other’s company again. We communicated well and laughed again. (Like real, belly laughs) As we lay in bed on our first night back home, he asked me how to keep this feeling going. It lasted all of a few days.
And Now…
We have returned to our everyday routines and responsibilities, including regular cleaning of the house, paying bills, and driving the children around town. He and I pass each other throughout the house with little to no words. We silently climb into bed with our books and read until our eyes grow heavy. I have a love-hate relationship with this routine. While I have my independence and space, I long for closeness. But not too much closeness, if that makes any sense. The loneliness is back.
So much history in our story has resulted in how we are today. Some words and actions can’t be undone. I recently came across a thought-provoking analogy that compared words to toothpaste. Once you squeeze them out, you can never put them back in the same way. It’s a lesson we learn early on but only fully appreciate as we grow older. Words are bound to spill out when you have loved and lived with someone for more than a decade.
What Comes Next in the blog?
I am going to be completely transparent here. I have never blogged, and I don’t know what to expect. Will people respond or even read it, for that matter? I haven’t yet decided where to start this journey. I’m a woman, a mother, and a wife, just like anyone else. For this reason, I will roll with it like I usually do. XO
